Moving Right Along

I found a job at the end of the summer in a Christian day care center. Currently I work in the infant's room and I love taking care of all those babies. It has been a big adjustment because I have not worked outside of my home since 2008 and the kids had to learn that Mom will no longer be here to take care of everything. My youngest son Caleb who is almost 13 has really picked up the slack. He helps to take care of my grandchildren and a wide variety of chores. I am very proud of him. Some days it seems like I am trying to do everything with very little help. So I work full time, take college classes online, take care of my grandson in the evenings, and must still attempt all the household stuff too. Needless to say it is the house that has suffered the most I am just too tired and don't have enough time to get it all done. I don't like feeling so tired and grumpy all the time and I don't like losing all the time that I used to spend with my family but you do what you have to do in this world to make it. I will do what I need to do for my kids and for my grandkids. One plus side of working is that I have met some really nice people. I have not had that social aspect in my life for a long time, even though it is primarily at work. I enjoy talking with my co-workers, two or three of them in particular. I am older than they are by quite a bit but they don't make me feel like some old woman, they accept me for who I am. I don't dread going to work each day, in fact most days I look forward to seeing the ladies there. We share stories about our lives and work together to take the best care possible of our work "babies". Each one had a unique personality and it feels great to know that in a small way I am part of their lives. So is my life perfect? No. But it is better than it used to be and that counts for something.

Holidays You Ruined For Me

When I think about it, there are quite a few days of the year that should be special, but are no longer enjoyable to me because of you. I met you on New Year's Eve 1987 so that is definitely out. I married you the first time on April 3 so spring sucks. I married you the second time in October so there goes Halloween. You left me on Valentines Day. You left me on our granddaughters birthday. You left me a week before Mother's Day. Wow this list just goes on and on. Christmas with you was always stressful because you hate Christmas. I can't think of a single special day of the year that you enjoyed, not even birthdays. I spent so much time trying to make you happy...no not even that just trying not to make you angry. I keep trying to figure out why you kept leaving and why you kept right on hurting me over and over again. Two simple answers. You never gave a damn about me to begin with in spite of four kids, six grandkids, twenty five years of my life spent loving you. And because I let you. I let you hurt me over and over again because I loved you so much. I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe. I wanted you to love me. Well I guess this just shows you can't always get what you want.

Sunday in Spring

It has been just over a year since my mother died on the eleventh anniversary of my only sister's death. Then just a few months after I lost my mother, my mother-in-law succumbed to bone cancer. My husband left me. This has been the most difficult year of my life. Nothing ever gets any easier. I am changing from a woman who used to pride myself on being kind and compassionate to someone who is angry and bitter and disappointed. I can no longer tolerate the small things that people do. Everything bothers me. I just want to get away from everyone and everything in my life and I know that I cannot. I am trapped in my own life. I desperately want to stop feeling this way. I have prayed about it. Meditated. Talked. Nothing helps. Nothing gets better. I am sliding ever further into the pit of my own despair. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.

November Rain

It's been a long, strange trip this year. First my mom fell and broke her hip, which really just set in motion the series of events that ended with her death in April from C-diff. My husband left me on Valentine's Day and came back three months later shortly after my mom passed away, and then his own mother died in July. Tough year financially, but slowly we are pulling ourselves up out of the debts that were drowning us. We still have a ways to go but it feels good to know we have come as far as we have. Sometimes the cliches are true even when we think that we know better. People don't really change, at least not fundamentally. They show their true colors when you are down and need a helping hand. That's ok. It is who they are and it just lets me know who I can count on. We must learn to cherish the little moments when everything is good. To let go of the moments when we are lost in the dark. I have posted up a positive and encouraging message on my Facebook page every single day this year. It was sort of my New Year's Resolution to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the bad and it has not been easy. In the end I do feel better about life, perhaps more philosophical, maybe even less cynical and more idealistic. I love my family. Life can be hard but it can also be beautiful. I vote for the beautiful. This is what I want my children to know. Sometimes that long, dark tunnel seems as if it will never end, and you will never find the light again...but you will. Keep on living, never never give up, and most of all love the ones around you as best you can. All we need is love.

Changes

Wow so many things have happened this year. First my mama passed away in April. On the eleventh anniversary of my sister's death. To the day. Then my mother-in-law passed away in July. So hard to lose the people you thought would always be there no matter what. I feel like I have no family left except for my children and grandchildren. I've gotten some news recently concerning my own health, and for the very first time I am taking it seriously. I realize that if I don't take care of me, no one else will. First on the list, hypothyroid disease. I have been given a brand new prescription which I will begin taking tomorrow, my birthday. I have also been given new lab tests, which I will do later this week. I have no desire to get stuck on my birthday. Let's be honest. Is this going to cause me to make major changes in my life that will miraculously heal all my ailments. No, don't think so. However, CAN this cause me to think about those little every day decisions and perhaps choose something a bit more healthy? Maybe. There will be more test results to discuss, possibly more medicines to take. I'm not as young as I once was. Those days of boundless energy are long gone. I want to be around to watch my precious babies grow up, all of them. I want to see the important milestones in their lives...and I want to see those little moments that become beautiful memories. This is what I want my children to know...that I love them enough to try to be there, always.

To everything there is a season...

I took off my ring yesterday. I put it on a chain. I put yours on there too. What else is there to do. I can't bear the thought of never wearing it again. I can't believe you left yours here. It meant nothing to you then. How could you leave me this way. Without a word of goodbye. I had so much to say. Most of all just why? What do I do now? I can't begin to say. Go on with life somehow. Just breathe another day. I want you back so bad. I know you won't miss me. I miss the life we had. I miss you loving me.

How do you do homemade when you are not crafty?

Ok this is the honest truth...I am not crafty. At all. I can't sew or knit or crochet or craft anything at all. I want to do homemade gifts for this holiday season. The question is what in the world can I do that is homemade? I am on the hunt for ideas! There has to be something inexpensive that I can do that would make a nice gift. Something that is not too complicated or time consuming.
If you are reading this send me your ideas. Tell me what you do to make homemade gifts for your friends and family. Remember you are dealing with the most non-crafty person in the world and take it easy on me!