Crazy Hazy Days of Summer

Summer is here at last in southwestern Virginia, with hot humid days and lots of thunderstorms. I am not too sure if we will try to have any celebrations, although my son has invited us over for a cook-out at his house. Money is so tight right now. My husband is working part-time and growing a garden with a friend of his. He is really looking forward to having fresh veggies and even some cantalopes. My food budget has been reduced and I have to figure out how to shop for the long month of July so that we do not run out of things we need. I thought I was long past having to budget down to the penny, guess not. My younger sons actually complain about having meat to eat...I am thinking to myself, do they know how many people would be grateful for the kind of meals I serve them every day. I know it is my fault, I have spoiled them. Spoiled them to where they have certain expectations and when money falls short I have to scramble not to disappoint them. They drink far too much sweet tea, and I plan to start insisting on water between meals. For example, I serve crockpot roast about once a week. It is a very simple roast with new potatoes and some seasonings. My thirteen year old son told me he was tired of having roast...and chicken...and pork chops. But when I asked well then what is it that you would prefer to eat, he had no answer. I do try to mix the meals up as much as I can, varying the recipes so that it doesn't seem like the same old thing all the time. My husband works hard every day to try to make our dollars stretch to pay the bills but I feel that I work equally hard. Every single day I prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner, wash dishes all day long, make tea at least twice, I do two or three loads of laundry every day,keep my two ice trays filled and my bucket of ice in the freezer full, clean the house, take out the trash, and I can't even remember what else I do all day but let me tell ya what I am getting zero appreciation. I know I know. Mother's should not expect to be appreciated. It's the job right? I don't mind the job most days. I take pleasure in keeping my house presentable and all those little chores done. I think I need a break. I know better than to ask for a vacation, but a break would be nice. A day or two where I didn't have to run around doing things all day long, could read books and play on my computer and take long bubble baths every night. Ahh well, I reckon it can't hurt to dream. Happy Summer everyone.

Mothers and Daughters

With Father's Day fast approaching I suppose I have chosen an awkward time to think about my relationship with my two daughters. The thing is they never had a relationship with their father until they were adults and it is a rocky one at best. I must also admit, if I am being honest, that my choice of a husband and their step-father for fifteen years left much to be desired. Still, I don't think any of my children were very happy when I remarried their father. He really was a virtual stranger to them, and they only knew of the bad things that had caused us to divorce in the first place.
When my oldest daughter reached her teenage years she already had a rebellious temperament and she was determined to do what she wanted, when she wanted, in spite of my best efforts to stop her. We had so many arguments. My husband at that time did not help, he only managed to make things worse. I feel that it was really my fault that my daughter was pregnant at fifteen. She was constantly looking for love and attention from all the wrong places and she loved telling me how I was never there for her when she needed me. It broke my heart a million times and more.
So I set all my hopes on my younger daughter. She was so much calmer, so much more pleasing in her attitudes. No doubt, she was very spoiled and we all went out of our way to make her smile and be happy. So when she started down the very same road her older sister had followed I just couldn't believe it. This was the child who was going to realize her every dream. How could she throw away her very promising future to have a baby at eighteen and get married to a young man that had not proven himself to be very reliable at anything except causing trouble?
It seemed to me that I had lost both of my girls. Gone were the dreams of having an ideal mother-daughter relationship where we shared little secrets and talked about everything. Their teenage years had been so full of drama and discord it was hard to believe that we could ever get past all of the hard feelings. Always feeling that everything was my own fault, that I had not been a good mother to my daughters in spite of my best efforts.
I still do not have that dream relationship with either one of my daughters, but it is slowly becoming less distant and perhaps a bit closer. I revel in my grandchildren and the joy that they bring to my life. I try to let my daughters know that in spite of it all they have a mother who loves them very much and wants only the very best for them. I wonder if I had tried too hard with my daughters, wanting only to protect them and keep them from making my mistakes all over again, and instead pushing them far from me. The only answer I have is that I do not know. I know that children, daughters, grow up and live their own lives. I know that maybe someday they will have the same perspective that I have now, knowing that mistakes were made, but only out of love and care. I know that I can still cherish those two little red-haired girls, so different, yet so much alike. I know that I will always love my daughters more than they know.

Raindrops are Like Tears

Ok so almost anyone who knows me is aware that I suffer from chronic depression. Some days I do fairly well, other days I find myself so deep down in a well of despair I don't think I will be able to climb back out again. I've been having one of my down times and I have not been coping well. Life has not been easy lately. I told someone today it's like some kind of cosmic joke, not only can we not get ahead we can't even get caught up. The expenses keep getting higher and the money keeps getting lower and the ends don't meet in the middle anymore. I try to get up every day and I try to get through the day and it gets harder every day. I know I'm bad when giving up seems easier than trying any more...the only things that keep me hanging by my very slender thread are the responsibilities I have to my younger children and grandchildren. This is not a pity party, I'm not asking anyone to hand me a kleenex.A little understanding from the ones who are closest to me would be nice but I have come to accept that for the most part that is not going to happen. I just find myself feeling so very alone and I wonder what will happen if it ever gets to where I can't tell myself I have to hang on for the babies any more.

Thoughts

Waking up alone, on a rainy Sunday morning, in a quiet house tends to start you considering things. I have spent twenty-seven years being a mother. I started out like any other new mother, overawed and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a first baby and the discovery that you have depths of love inside your heart you had never known until the first time you held your newborn baby. So here I am all these years later, most of my children are grown, a few still here at home but not for long. Before I know it, the last three will be gone off into the world. Where will that leave me? Even though Caleb is just ten I already feel so un-needed, strange for me to say considering how much I have sheltered, pampered, ok babied Caleb my youngest child. Boys are independent creatures who do not cling to their mothers. None of my children really did. They were ready to go far sooner than I was ready to let them. I tried to teach them to be strong, to prepare them for the hard cruel world. Honestly I don't know if I did my job adequately I only know that I did the best I could, often under very trying circumstances. The thing is, I lost myself somewhere along the way and I do not know where to go looking for the pieces I left behind. This reflects on something I said in a previous blog, is there anyone out there who truly knows the me behind the mother or must I find ways to ensure that when I leave this world someone somewhere will truly remember me? I loved being a mother so much. Every pregnancy was more miserable than the one before, as I was sick right up until I went into labor. I survived twins and two c-sections, natural childbirth which was actually easier to recover from and epidurals that left me with lasting complications to this day. I made it through crying babies, cranky toddlers, elementary school, the nightmare of middle school, high school, bullies, teenage romances, teenage pregnancy, you name it I did it. I also worked to support my family and missed out on so many things I can never get back, but someone had to do it. I am not very close to most of my children, not by choice, but simply because they are living their own lives and I am trying to find a way to live mine, and they do not often overlap. I babysit grandchildren when asked and revel in the fun of being able to give them back to their mother's at the end of a glorious day. Grannies can spoil their darlings unabashedly and enjoy all the little things that drove us crazy when we were there in those years with our own. Is this the sum of me...mother and grandmother? I don't think it is, but does anyone else see me as more? So this is something I want to tell my children; family is everything. Being a parent is a privilege and a blessing and a responsibility. The thing is, and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish, you cannot and you must not give everything away in the process of raising your family. You must keep some small secret part of yourself locked away somewhere, so that when that inevitable day arrives and you are left alone, you can begin doing the unthinkable...living for yourself.

Things I Want My Children to Remember

As a mom of nine children the one thing I have always feared is that when I die no one will remember for anything but the fact that I have nine children. Will anyone remember who I really was on the inside, the things I loved, the things that made me unique? I ran across a poem today that I thought was just lovely and I wanted to post it here. This is one thing I would like my children to remember.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Written by Mary E. Frye, 1932

Rain Rain Go Away

This spring has been so rainy! I find myself wondering if sunny days will ever return. I almost feel like I am living in some perpetually rainy place like Seattle or London. This kind of weather is not good for my mood. When the skies are gray and dreary so is my outlook on things. Hard to get motivated about doing things in this sleepy weather. Even harder to have a positive outlook when nothing seems to be going my way. My next door neighbor planted some beautiful flowers in her yard but all this rain has not helped them much. Isn't it funny how if it's really hot we wish it would rain, but when it rains we want the sunshine back. I guess it just goes to show that we always want what we don't have.

Summer is Fast Approaching

Here we are it is May already and summer will be here before you know it. I am about to begin the last two classes in my academic freshman year. I have begun the process of applying for funding for next year. I am not too excited about the next two classes, I fear that they will be much harder than the six I have already taken and I am not at all sure I am up to the task. I have a GPA of 3.84 and I would like to maintain a decent score and end up the year on a positive note. I think that after all these years of being out of school I have done well. With hard work and study I hope to achieve good grades in the last two courses of the year.
Isn't it funny how things never quite work out the way you think they are going to. I had thought I was dropping out of school to work and an unexpected technical difficulty prevented me from being able to do that. I am disappointed because we desperately needed the money but I will look for something else. Weather permitting my darling husband will be able to pick up some side work and I am sure we will muddle through just like we always do. Perhaps we need to cut back a bit on some of the little extra expenses but that is o.k. too. There is always a way. Next project will be using my school refund to get a car. Not looking forward to that either.