Compassion

The lesson at worship service today was all about having compassion for people...not just simple concern, but real spiritual compassion. I have to be honest. This is not an area where I can say that I exhibit that kind of compassion. I was talking with my husband about it this afternoon because I really do want to be compassionate towards people. For example, a neighbor of mine walked by me in obvious pain and I asked her what was wrong. She stated that she had a headache and I immediately offered her something for it. Then today, she made a very rude remark to my husband. I am sorry but it made me angry and my thing is that once I get angry I have a really hard time forgiving, much less forgetting. I struggle to forgive even the smallest of infractions. My husband thinks that this is because I have been taken advantage of so many times in my life that when my fragile level of trust with someone is broken I simply cannot get past it.
I certainly have my share of hurts and insecurities in my life. I struggled through a difficult marriage for fifteen years that left me broken in more ways than one. Trusting people on more than a superficial level is very hard for me. I am perfectly well aware that there are people who have suffered infinitely harder things than I have and survived with grace and dignity and compassion for others still intact. I question why I cannot be that way. I do not want to be an uncaring person. I want to reach out to others in kindness without expecting a return...but also without fearing that I will somehow be ill used.
I am going to try, really try to work on this. I will try to be a more compassionate person. I will try to let go of this futile sense of injustice and anger that simmers just beneath the surface of my emotions. I will try not to let other people's imperfections stand in the way of my own spiritual growth. I have enough of my own to work on.