How do you do homemade when you are not crafty?

Ok this is the honest truth...I am not crafty. At all. I can't sew or knit or crochet or craft anything at all. I want to do homemade gifts for this holiday season. The question is what in the world can I do that is homemade? I am on the hunt for ideas! There has to be something inexpensive that I can do that would make a nice gift. Something that is not too complicated or time consuming.
If you are reading this send me your ideas. Tell me what you do to make homemade gifts for your friends and family. Remember you are dealing with the most non-crafty person in the world and take it easy on me!

Gearing Up for the Holidays

I am counting the days until my husband comes home from working out of town. Thanks to his efforts we have come a long way towards getting our bills caught up. That means that I can focus on something I love...the holidays! We also have a ton of birthdays in November and my adult twin sons in December. I have little things that I like to do even though I am not a "crafty" sort of woman. I bought these cute little stockings to decorate for the three grandchildren I will get to see. I plan to fill them with candy canes and other goodies as a little extra treat from their granny.
I went to a craft show yesterday and I got an idea for something I would like to try if I can find the supplies at a reasonable cost. Paraffin oil candle lamps! You need an empty glass bottle, wick, and a way to anchor the wick in the bottle. I have already viewed a couple of videos and gotten some great ideas on how to do this. I would like to make one for each of my children who has their own home, so that means my two daughters and my son who lives about an hour or so away. I don't know yet if this idea will come to fruition, depending on my ability to find the supplies locally but it sounds fun!
I have already decided to bake a tray full of goodies for everyone. Cookies, fudge, rock candy, brownies, yummy quick breads. I already found little trays at the dollar store that would work really well for this project. Christmas doesn't have to be about the almighty dollar. The last couple of years were bleak for us as a family, but there is hope that this year will be better and I want to put forth a personal effort, not just run to the store and buy something.
I am collecting ideas and recipes for my goody trays from my online friends. Who knows. I may be starting a brand new tradition!

Holding Down the Fort

My husband went back to work full time about a month or so ago, however this required him to work out of town. He was supposed to be back tomorrow night. He just called to tell me it will be another two weeks before he returns home. I know how badly we need that money. I am just so disappointed. My son's eleventh birthday is tomorrow and we are having a smallish family party for him. The big surprise was going to be hubby, now that is not going to happen. I am being supportive and not letting my husband know how much this news upsets me. I am being responsible, paying the bills, holding the fort down while he is gone so that he doesn't have to worry about me or the boys and can just concentrate on getting his work done. I was looking forward to his arrival and I have to say I feel very let down. It is very lonely when he is gone. I almost feel somewhat disconnected because he has been gone for so long. I am not coping with this very well.

Things Happen

Today my two year old granddaughter fell and got a great big goose egg on her forehead. It was an accident, pure and simple. Her mother rushed her to the emergency room just to make sure everything was ok, no concussion or other hidden injury. It was one of those moments of high drama that I remember happening from time to time when my own kids were little. I raised nine children, and if there is one thing I can tell you for certain sure, things happen. You can take your eyes off a child for three seconds and something can happen that fast. My daughter once unbuckled herself from the high chair and fell out backwards, conked her head, and got a concussion. I remember my husband rushing out the door to take our daughter to the emergency room in a state of panic. It is almost ironic that my daughter's daughter has now repeated history by falling and getting a bump on the head. But the long and the short of the tale is that things happen. It doesn't make you a bad parent, or a negligent parent or anything else. Children are curious, active, and fearless. That combination is all you need for something to happen. Someday this will be one of those "when you were little" stories that we love to embarrass our children with.

Almost Halloween

Wow this month seems to have flown by so fast I hardly know where the time went. On the other hand with my husband working out of town it has been pretty lonely. I really dislike the feeling of having all the home responsibilities with no one to offer support in any way. I feel that I should not burden my husband when he is working so hard so I mostly keep all those little things that go wrong to myself. I am sure you are asking "how is that working for you?" and I will answer truthfully...not so great. When my husband does get to come home I don't want the focus to be on the honey-do list. I want it to be on some quality time for us as a couple and for all of us as a family.
It can be difficult making the transition when your income changes. Yes, hubby is making more money, but we are so far in debt that his net pay is not stretching as far as we would like. Big news! When you make more money, they take more money in taxes! Shocking isn't it? The harder you try to get up on your feet the more someone is standing there to knock you back down. Speaking of which I really need to work out a new food budget. Bad timing with the holidays looming. Stress can find you in the oddest situations. First you worry when you don't have a job. Then you worry because it is a part-time job. Finally you worry because the full-time job doesn't offer benefits like health insurance but you lose your safety net because you are working full-time. It is just dizzying.
In any case, Halloween is one week away, Caleb's eleventh birthday is next Saturday and I still have no idea what I am doing for his party. I am just going to have to sit down and evaluate where it is better to spend the money I have versus going all out for decorations. Obviously, Caleb is the kind of kid who would rather have pizza than lots of cutesy paper plates and streamers. I am the kind of mom who really wants her kid to be happy so I am thinking "pizza it shall be." Cody took Caleb to a Trunk-or-Treat event at the church he attends and there may be some others that Caleb can go to next weekend. That should solve the dilemma of taking him out on Halloween night. Ahh, that bittersweet knowledge: my youngest child is experiencing his last years of real childhood. Where did the time really go?

How Do You Help

I find myself faced with a conundrum. A young woman I know of is being beaten by her boyfriend. She is not someone I am well acquainted with. I know very little about her except for her name. She is white, her boyfriend is black and this has caused her some problems with her family. The couple is essentially homeless except that my son has been letting them stay in his basement. Obviously I feel great compassion for this girl. No one should ever be brutalized in that way. On the other hand, any interference from me would not be welcome. She stays in the relationship in spite of the abuse. I understand staying because you feel have no way out. Lord knows I stayed married for fifteen long hard years for that reason. I just cannot have that kind of behavior going on around my young children. It is not acceptable. When does compassion for another person have to be set aside to protect your own family? This situation makes me feel helpless. I don't know how to help or even if I should try to help.

October Skies

October has always been a month of sadness for me, don't really know why. Seasons changing maybe? I don't know. I tend to think a lot in October. Remember things. Wish that I could have done better for my kids.
My life has never been what you would call a happy life. Not that there were not moments of happiness and joy, because I have had them. My children have brought joy into my life and now my grandchildren bring me that same joy. Those moments are fleeting. They never can seem to stick around long enough. Sadness and regrets and heartaches overshadow everything else.
When I die I do not want my children to be sad. There has been far too much sadness in my life already. When I die I want them to remember times that we had together where we smiled or laughed or danced or sang. Times that I told them I loved them, times that I hugged them tight.
I don't want them to remember the poverty and the hard times. I want them to remember how we overcame obstacles as a family. I don't want them to remember being hungry and having no groceries. I want them to remember making ghetto pizza. I want them to remember trick or treating in Cherry Hill, the time I dropped the turkey down the steps because I saw a mouse on Thanksgiving, Christmas mornings when you couldn't walk across the floor there were so many of us crowded into that tiny living room.
I want them to remember that in the end, no matter what, family is all you've got.

Compassion

The lesson at worship service today was all about having compassion for people...not just simple concern, but real spiritual compassion. I have to be honest. This is not an area where I can say that I exhibit that kind of compassion. I was talking with my husband about it this afternoon because I really do want to be compassionate towards people. For example, a neighbor of mine walked by me in obvious pain and I asked her what was wrong. She stated that she had a headache and I immediately offered her something for it. Then today, she made a very rude remark to my husband. I am sorry but it made me angry and my thing is that once I get angry I have a really hard time forgiving, much less forgetting. I struggle to forgive even the smallest of infractions. My husband thinks that this is because I have been taken advantage of so many times in my life that when my fragile level of trust with someone is broken I simply cannot get past it.
I certainly have my share of hurts and insecurities in my life. I struggled through a difficult marriage for fifteen years that left me broken in more ways than one. Trusting people on more than a superficial level is very hard for me. I am perfectly well aware that there are people who have suffered infinitely harder things than I have and survived with grace and dignity and compassion for others still intact. I question why I cannot be that way. I do not want to be an uncaring person. I want to reach out to others in kindness without expecting a return...but also without fearing that I will somehow be ill used.
I am going to try, really try to work on this. I will try to be a more compassionate person. I will try to let go of this futile sense of injustice and anger that simmers just beneath the surface of my emotions. I will try not to let other people's imperfections stand in the way of my own spiritual growth. I have enough of my own to work on.

Fair Weather Friends

Over the summer when I was in a crisis point situation I really found out who my friends were and let me tell you there were not many. As a matter of fact only one person responded to my need and it was someone I did not even ask for help. Do you ever get tired of people with fake smiles and false promises who claim to be your friend but somehow they are never there when you need them? I got tired of it. Real tired of it. I deleted quite a few people from my friends that day and I do not regret a single one.
Now I know we are supposed to forgive and forget. To overlook those small imperfections in people and try to see the good in everyone. I was raised in the South. That means as a lady you are never rude, never confrontational, you never ever speak up for yourself, you just keep taking people's crap with a smile on your face. Well I don't think so. Not ever again. I can be a kind, compassionate, strong Southern lady without that kind of nonsense.

Changing Weather Changing Life

I always have a hard time in the fall emotionally and I don't know why because I love fall. I think the leaves changing color are beautiful, I love the cooler weather and the smell of wood smoke in the mornings, I love pumpkins and apples and scarecrows, and I love decorating the house for Halloween and Thanksgiving. All this week I have just been so sad, sitting here feeling all alone in a house full of people, trying to hold back tears that I have no way of explaining, if anyone even noticed they were there. Fall in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia is so heartbreakingly lovely I would not want to be anywhere else at this time of year.
What is it then that makes me feel so alone and lonely? At 48 I am not a young woman anymore. My last few babies are growing up fast and I have grandchildren all around me to remind me that my years of being a mom are quickly coming to an end. I have loved having a house full of children all these years but it isn't the same when it becomes a house full of young adults doing their own thing and living their own lives. I know that it was something of an accomplishment to get all these younguns raised but why do I feel that so much of life just passed me by?
I am writing this blog for myself. No one else is reading it. I guess this is just an outlet for me to try and express some of my feelings. Lord knows I have no one to talk to and even if I tried they wouldn't understand. After all no one has it easy these days, at least not in my world. Can't find decent jobs that pay enough money to live on, hard to keep food on the table, hard times for everyone. I have a place to live and food to eat and we can just barely keep the wolf from the door so who am I to complain.
So this is what I wish for my kids to know about me. I loved them as best I could, provided for them and took care of them all the days of my life and suddenly they didn't need me anymore. I wish I could live inside my memories of the days when they were all little and clamoring around me with so much joyful chaos I could barely think. I look at pictures of those days gone by and I realize that my life is so empty now...all the color is gone all the happiness all the tumultuous ruckus that filled up my heart and my soul. I just honestly do not know what to do with myself.

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

So here we are back where we started. I know that we are lucky we had a place to come back to so I sound really bad to regret it. We tried so desperately hard to hang onto our own house but we just couldn't do it. The economy clamped down around us and just didn't let go. So we packed it all up and came back to my family's house with my mom and my older sons. I don't think anyone is happy about it. My husband feels like he let us down, as if he failed in his job as the man of the house, to provide for me and the boys and take care of us. My two youngest sons are not happy because they have to share a room and there are strangers living here who moved in to help my son pay the rent while we were gone for a year. My almost seventeen year old hates it here, all he can talk about is getting a job, saving his money, and moving out. I'm not happy. The situation here is far from ideal and it is hard to get used to after I had my own home for a year to clean, and decorate, and live as I pleased without having to worry about anyone else. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother, I love my sons. I am happy to be back where I can see them and spend time with them. We combined forces to make it easier for all of us to live. I have worked my butt off in the space that I have to make things homey and nice for everyone. Why then do I feel so sad?

Crazy Hazy Days of Summer

Summer is here at last in southwestern Virginia, with hot humid days and lots of thunderstorms. I am not too sure if we will try to have any celebrations, although my son has invited us over for a cook-out at his house. Money is so tight right now. My husband is working part-time and growing a garden with a friend of his. He is really looking forward to having fresh veggies and even some cantalopes. My food budget has been reduced and I have to figure out how to shop for the long month of July so that we do not run out of things we need. I thought I was long past having to budget down to the penny, guess not. My younger sons actually complain about having meat to eat...I am thinking to myself, do they know how many people would be grateful for the kind of meals I serve them every day. I know it is my fault, I have spoiled them. Spoiled them to where they have certain expectations and when money falls short I have to scramble not to disappoint them. They drink far too much sweet tea, and I plan to start insisting on water between meals. For example, I serve crockpot roast about once a week. It is a very simple roast with new potatoes and some seasonings. My thirteen year old son told me he was tired of having roast...and chicken...and pork chops. But when I asked well then what is it that you would prefer to eat, he had no answer. I do try to mix the meals up as much as I can, varying the recipes so that it doesn't seem like the same old thing all the time. My husband works hard every day to try to make our dollars stretch to pay the bills but I feel that I work equally hard. Every single day I prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner, wash dishes all day long, make tea at least twice, I do two or three loads of laundry every day,keep my two ice trays filled and my bucket of ice in the freezer full, clean the house, take out the trash, and I can't even remember what else I do all day but let me tell ya what I am getting zero appreciation. I know I know. Mother's should not expect to be appreciated. It's the job right? I don't mind the job most days. I take pleasure in keeping my house presentable and all those little chores done. I think I need a break. I know better than to ask for a vacation, but a break would be nice. A day or two where I didn't have to run around doing things all day long, could read books and play on my computer and take long bubble baths every night. Ahh well, I reckon it can't hurt to dream. Happy Summer everyone.

Mothers and Daughters

With Father's Day fast approaching I suppose I have chosen an awkward time to think about my relationship with my two daughters. The thing is they never had a relationship with their father until they were adults and it is a rocky one at best. I must also admit, if I am being honest, that my choice of a husband and their step-father for fifteen years left much to be desired. Still, I don't think any of my children were very happy when I remarried their father. He really was a virtual stranger to them, and they only knew of the bad things that had caused us to divorce in the first place.
When my oldest daughter reached her teenage years she already had a rebellious temperament and she was determined to do what she wanted, when she wanted, in spite of my best efforts to stop her. We had so many arguments. My husband at that time did not help, he only managed to make things worse. I feel that it was really my fault that my daughter was pregnant at fifteen. She was constantly looking for love and attention from all the wrong places and she loved telling me how I was never there for her when she needed me. It broke my heart a million times and more.
So I set all my hopes on my younger daughter. She was so much calmer, so much more pleasing in her attitudes. No doubt, she was very spoiled and we all went out of our way to make her smile and be happy. So when she started down the very same road her older sister had followed I just couldn't believe it. This was the child who was going to realize her every dream. How could she throw away her very promising future to have a baby at eighteen and get married to a young man that had not proven himself to be very reliable at anything except causing trouble?
It seemed to me that I had lost both of my girls. Gone were the dreams of having an ideal mother-daughter relationship where we shared little secrets and talked about everything. Their teenage years had been so full of drama and discord it was hard to believe that we could ever get past all of the hard feelings. Always feeling that everything was my own fault, that I had not been a good mother to my daughters in spite of my best efforts.
I still do not have that dream relationship with either one of my daughters, but it is slowly becoming less distant and perhaps a bit closer. I revel in my grandchildren and the joy that they bring to my life. I try to let my daughters know that in spite of it all they have a mother who loves them very much and wants only the very best for them. I wonder if I had tried too hard with my daughters, wanting only to protect them and keep them from making my mistakes all over again, and instead pushing them far from me. The only answer I have is that I do not know. I know that children, daughters, grow up and live their own lives. I know that maybe someday they will have the same perspective that I have now, knowing that mistakes were made, but only out of love and care. I know that I can still cherish those two little red-haired girls, so different, yet so much alike. I know that I will always love my daughters more than they know.

Raindrops are Like Tears

Ok so almost anyone who knows me is aware that I suffer from chronic depression. Some days I do fairly well, other days I find myself so deep down in a well of despair I don't think I will be able to climb back out again. I've been having one of my down times and I have not been coping well. Life has not been easy lately. I told someone today it's like some kind of cosmic joke, not only can we not get ahead we can't even get caught up. The expenses keep getting higher and the money keeps getting lower and the ends don't meet in the middle anymore. I try to get up every day and I try to get through the day and it gets harder every day. I know I'm bad when giving up seems easier than trying any more...the only things that keep me hanging by my very slender thread are the responsibilities I have to my younger children and grandchildren. This is not a pity party, I'm not asking anyone to hand me a kleenex.A little understanding from the ones who are closest to me would be nice but I have come to accept that for the most part that is not going to happen. I just find myself feeling so very alone and I wonder what will happen if it ever gets to where I can't tell myself I have to hang on for the babies any more.

Thoughts

Waking up alone, on a rainy Sunday morning, in a quiet house tends to start you considering things. I have spent twenty-seven years being a mother. I started out like any other new mother, overawed and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a first baby and the discovery that you have depths of love inside your heart you had never known until the first time you held your newborn baby. So here I am all these years later, most of my children are grown, a few still here at home but not for long. Before I know it, the last three will be gone off into the world. Where will that leave me? Even though Caleb is just ten I already feel so un-needed, strange for me to say considering how much I have sheltered, pampered, ok babied Caleb my youngest child. Boys are independent creatures who do not cling to their mothers. None of my children really did. They were ready to go far sooner than I was ready to let them. I tried to teach them to be strong, to prepare them for the hard cruel world. Honestly I don't know if I did my job adequately I only know that I did the best I could, often under very trying circumstances. The thing is, I lost myself somewhere along the way and I do not know where to go looking for the pieces I left behind. This reflects on something I said in a previous blog, is there anyone out there who truly knows the me behind the mother or must I find ways to ensure that when I leave this world someone somewhere will truly remember me? I loved being a mother so much. Every pregnancy was more miserable than the one before, as I was sick right up until I went into labor. I survived twins and two c-sections, natural childbirth which was actually easier to recover from and epidurals that left me with lasting complications to this day. I made it through crying babies, cranky toddlers, elementary school, the nightmare of middle school, high school, bullies, teenage romances, teenage pregnancy, you name it I did it. I also worked to support my family and missed out on so many things I can never get back, but someone had to do it. I am not very close to most of my children, not by choice, but simply because they are living their own lives and I am trying to find a way to live mine, and they do not often overlap. I babysit grandchildren when asked and revel in the fun of being able to give them back to their mother's at the end of a glorious day. Grannies can spoil their darlings unabashedly and enjoy all the little things that drove us crazy when we were there in those years with our own. Is this the sum of me...mother and grandmother? I don't think it is, but does anyone else see me as more? So this is something I want to tell my children; family is everything. Being a parent is a privilege and a blessing and a responsibility. The thing is, and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish, you cannot and you must not give everything away in the process of raising your family. You must keep some small secret part of yourself locked away somewhere, so that when that inevitable day arrives and you are left alone, you can begin doing the unthinkable...living for yourself.

Things I Want My Children to Remember

As a mom of nine children the one thing I have always feared is that when I die no one will remember for anything but the fact that I have nine children. Will anyone remember who I really was on the inside, the things I loved, the things that made me unique? I ran across a poem today that I thought was just lovely and I wanted to post it here. This is one thing I would like my children to remember.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Written by Mary E. Frye, 1932

Rain Rain Go Away

This spring has been so rainy! I find myself wondering if sunny days will ever return. I almost feel like I am living in some perpetually rainy place like Seattle or London. This kind of weather is not good for my mood. When the skies are gray and dreary so is my outlook on things. Hard to get motivated about doing things in this sleepy weather. Even harder to have a positive outlook when nothing seems to be going my way. My next door neighbor planted some beautiful flowers in her yard but all this rain has not helped them much. Isn't it funny how if it's really hot we wish it would rain, but when it rains we want the sunshine back. I guess it just goes to show that we always want what we don't have.

Summer is Fast Approaching

Here we are it is May already and summer will be here before you know it. I am about to begin the last two classes in my academic freshman year. I have begun the process of applying for funding for next year. I am not too excited about the next two classes, I fear that they will be much harder than the six I have already taken and I am not at all sure I am up to the task. I have a GPA of 3.84 and I would like to maintain a decent score and end up the year on a positive note. I think that after all these years of being out of school I have done well. With hard work and study I hope to achieve good grades in the last two courses of the year.
Isn't it funny how things never quite work out the way you think they are going to. I had thought I was dropping out of school to work and an unexpected technical difficulty prevented me from being able to do that. I am disappointed because we desperately needed the money but I will look for something else. Weather permitting my darling husband will be able to pick up some side work and I am sure we will muddle through just like we always do. Perhaps we need to cut back a bit on some of the little extra expenses but that is o.k. too. There is always a way. Next project will be using my school refund to get a car. Not looking forward to that either.