Moving Right Along

I found a job at the end of the summer in a Christian day care center. Currently I work in the infant's room and I love taking care of all those babies. It has been a big adjustment because I have not worked outside of my home since 2008 and the kids had to learn that Mom will no longer be here to take care of everything. My youngest son Caleb who is almost 13 has really picked up the slack. He helps to take care of my grandchildren and a wide variety of chores. I am very proud of him. Some days it seems like I am trying to do everything with very little help. So I work full time, take college classes online, take care of my grandson in the evenings, and must still attempt all the household stuff too. Needless to say it is the house that has suffered the most I am just too tired and don't have enough time to get it all done. I don't like feeling so tired and grumpy all the time and I don't like losing all the time that I used to spend with my family but you do what you have to do in this world to make it. I will do what I need to do for my kids and for my grandkids. One plus side of working is that I have met some really nice people. I have not had that social aspect in my life for a long time, even though it is primarily at work. I enjoy talking with my co-workers, two or three of them in particular. I am older than they are by quite a bit but they don't make me feel like some old woman, they accept me for who I am. I don't dread going to work each day, in fact most days I look forward to seeing the ladies there. We share stories about our lives and work together to take the best care possible of our work "babies". Each one had a unique personality and it feels great to know that in a small way I am part of their lives. So is my life perfect? No. But it is better than it used to be and that counts for something.

Holidays You Ruined For Me

When I think about it, there are quite a few days of the year that should be special, but are no longer enjoyable to me because of you. I met you on New Year's Eve 1987 so that is definitely out. I married you the first time on April 3 so spring sucks. I married you the second time in October so there goes Halloween. You left me on Valentines Day. You left me on our granddaughters birthday. You left me a week before Mother's Day. Wow this list just goes on and on. Christmas with you was always stressful because you hate Christmas. I can't think of a single special day of the year that you enjoyed, not even birthdays. I spent so much time trying to make you happy...no not even that just trying not to make you angry. I keep trying to figure out why you kept leaving and why you kept right on hurting me over and over again. Two simple answers. You never gave a damn about me to begin with in spite of four kids, six grandkids, twenty five years of my life spent loving you. And because I let you. I let you hurt me over and over again because I loved you so much. I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe. I wanted you to love me. Well I guess this just shows you can't always get what you want.

Sunday in Spring

It has been just over a year since my mother died on the eleventh anniversary of my only sister's death. Then just a few months after I lost my mother, my mother-in-law succumbed to bone cancer. My husband left me. This has been the most difficult year of my life. Nothing ever gets any easier. I am changing from a woman who used to pride myself on being kind and compassionate to someone who is angry and bitter and disappointed. I can no longer tolerate the small things that people do. Everything bothers me. I just want to get away from everyone and everything in my life and I know that I cannot. I am trapped in my own life. I desperately want to stop feeling this way. I have prayed about it. Meditated. Talked. Nothing helps. Nothing gets better. I am sliding ever further into the pit of my own despair. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.