November Rain

It's been a long, strange trip this year. First my mom fell and broke her hip, which really just set in motion the series of events that ended with her death in April from C-diff. My husband left me on Valentine's Day and came back three months later shortly after my mom passed away, and then his own mother died in July. Tough year financially, but slowly we are pulling ourselves up out of the debts that were drowning us. We still have a ways to go but it feels good to know we have come as far as we have. Sometimes the cliches are true even when we think that we know better. People don't really change, at least not fundamentally. They show their true colors when you are down and need a helping hand. That's ok. It is who they are and it just lets me know who I can count on. We must learn to cherish the little moments when everything is good. To let go of the moments when we are lost in the dark. I have posted up a positive and encouraging message on my Facebook page every single day this year. It was sort of my New Year's Resolution to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the bad and it has not been easy. In the end I do feel better about life, perhaps more philosophical, maybe even less cynical and more idealistic. I love my family. Life can be hard but it can also be beautiful. I vote for the beautiful. This is what I want my children to know. Sometimes that long, dark tunnel seems as if it will never end, and you will never find the light again...but you will. Keep on living, never never give up, and most of all love the ones around you as best you can. All we need is love.

Changes

Wow so many things have happened this year. First my mama passed away in April. On the eleventh anniversary of my sister's death. To the day. Then my mother-in-law passed away in July. So hard to lose the people you thought would always be there no matter what. I feel like I have no family left except for my children and grandchildren. I've gotten some news recently concerning my own health, and for the very first time I am taking it seriously. I realize that if I don't take care of me, no one else will. First on the list, hypothyroid disease. I have been given a brand new prescription which I will begin taking tomorrow, my birthday. I have also been given new lab tests, which I will do later this week. I have no desire to get stuck on my birthday. Let's be honest. Is this going to cause me to make major changes in my life that will miraculously heal all my ailments. No, don't think so. However, CAN this cause me to think about those little every day decisions and perhaps choose something a bit more healthy? Maybe. There will be more test results to discuss, possibly more medicines to take. I'm not as young as I once was. Those days of boundless energy are long gone. I want to be around to watch my precious babies grow up, all of them. I want to see the important milestones in their lives...and I want to see those little moments that become beautiful memories. This is what I want my children to know...that I love them enough to try to be there, always.

To everything there is a season...

I took off my ring yesterday. I put it on a chain. I put yours on there too. What else is there to do. I can't bear the thought of never wearing it again. I can't believe you left yours here. It meant nothing to you then. How could you leave me this way. Without a word of goodbye. I had so much to say. Most of all just why? What do I do now? I can't begin to say. Go on with life somehow. Just breathe another day. I want you back so bad. I know you won't miss me. I miss the life we had. I miss you loving me.