Crazy Hazy Days of Summer

Summer is here at last in southwestern Virginia, with hot humid days and lots of thunderstorms. I am not too sure if we will try to have any celebrations, although my son has invited us over for a cook-out at his house. Money is so tight right now. My husband is working part-time and growing a garden with a friend of his. He is really looking forward to having fresh veggies and even some cantalopes. My food budget has been reduced and I have to figure out how to shop for the long month of July so that we do not run out of things we need. I thought I was long past having to budget down to the penny, guess not. My younger sons actually complain about having meat to eat...I am thinking to myself, do they know how many people would be grateful for the kind of meals I serve them every day. I know it is my fault, I have spoiled them. Spoiled them to where they have certain expectations and when money falls short I have to scramble not to disappoint them. They drink far too much sweet tea, and I plan to start insisting on water between meals. For example, I serve crockpot roast about once a week. It is a very simple roast with new potatoes and some seasonings. My thirteen year old son told me he was tired of having roast...and chicken...and pork chops. But when I asked well then what is it that you would prefer to eat, he had no answer. I do try to mix the meals up as much as I can, varying the recipes so that it doesn't seem like the same old thing all the time. My husband works hard every day to try to make our dollars stretch to pay the bills but I feel that I work equally hard. Every single day I prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner, wash dishes all day long, make tea at least twice, I do two or three loads of laundry every day,keep my two ice trays filled and my bucket of ice in the freezer full, clean the house, take out the trash, and I can't even remember what else I do all day but let me tell ya what I am getting zero appreciation. I know I know. Mother's should not expect to be appreciated. It's the job right? I don't mind the job most days. I take pleasure in keeping my house presentable and all those little chores done. I think I need a break. I know better than to ask for a vacation, but a break would be nice. A day or two where I didn't have to run around doing things all day long, could read books and play on my computer and take long bubble baths every night. Ahh well, I reckon it can't hurt to dream. Happy Summer everyone.

Mothers and Daughters

With Father's Day fast approaching I suppose I have chosen an awkward time to think about my relationship with my two daughters. The thing is they never had a relationship with their father until they were adults and it is a rocky one at best. I must also admit, if I am being honest, that my choice of a husband and their step-father for fifteen years left much to be desired. Still, I don't think any of my children were very happy when I remarried their father. He really was a virtual stranger to them, and they only knew of the bad things that had caused us to divorce in the first place.
When my oldest daughter reached her teenage years she already had a rebellious temperament and she was determined to do what she wanted, when she wanted, in spite of my best efforts to stop her. We had so many arguments. My husband at that time did not help, he only managed to make things worse. I feel that it was really my fault that my daughter was pregnant at fifteen. She was constantly looking for love and attention from all the wrong places and she loved telling me how I was never there for her when she needed me. It broke my heart a million times and more.
So I set all my hopes on my younger daughter. She was so much calmer, so much more pleasing in her attitudes. No doubt, she was very spoiled and we all went out of our way to make her smile and be happy. So when she started down the very same road her older sister had followed I just couldn't believe it. This was the child who was going to realize her every dream. How could she throw away her very promising future to have a baby at eighteen and get married to a young man that had not proven himself to be very reliable at anything except causing trouble?
It seemed to me that I had lost both of my girls. Gone were the dreams of having an ideal mother-daughter relationship where we shared little secrets and talked about everything. Their teenage years had been so full of drama and discord it was hard to believe that we could ever get past all of the hard feelings. Always feeling that everything was my own fault, that I had not been a good mother to my daughters in spite of my best efforts.
I still do not have that dream relationship with either one of my daughters, but it is slowly becoming less distant and perhaps a bit closer. I revel in my grandchildren and the joy that they bring to my life. I try to let my daughters know that in spite of it all they have a mother who loves them very much and wants only the very best for them. I wonder if I had tried too hard with my daughters, wanting only to protect them and keep them from making my mistakes all over again, and instead pushing them far from me. The only answer I have is that I do not know. I know that children, daughters, grow up and live their own lives. I know that maybe someday they will have the same perspective that I have now, knowing that mistakes were made, but only out of love and care. I know that I can still cherish those two little red-haired girls, so different, yet so much alike. I know that I will always love my daughters more than they know.