Holidays You Ruined For Me

When I think about it, there are quite a few days of the year that should be special, but are no longer enjoyable to me because of you. I met you on New Year's Eve 1987 so that is definitely out. I married you the first time on April 3 so spring sucks. I married you the second time in October so there goes Halloween. You left me on Valentines Day. You left me on our granddaughters birthday. You left me a week before Mother's Day. Wow this list just goes on and on. Christmas with you was always stressful because you hate Christmas. I can't think of a single special day of the year that you enjoyed, not even birthdays. I spent so much time trying to make you happy...no not even that just trying not to make you angry. I keep trying to figure out why you kept leaving and why you kept right on hurting me over and over again. Two simple answers. You never gave a damn about me to begin with in spite of four kids, six grandkids, twenty five years of my life spent loving you. And because I let you. I let you hurt me over and over again because I loved you so much. I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe. I wanted you to love me. Well I guess this just shows you can't always get what you want.

Sunday in Spring

It has been just over a year since my mother died on the eleventh anniversary of my only sister's death. Then just a few months after I lost my mother, my mother-in-law succumbed to bone cancer. My husband left me. This has been the most difficult year of my life. Nothing ever gets any easier. I am changing from a woman who used to pride myself on being kind and compassionate to someone who is angry and bitter and disappointed. I can no longer tolerate the small things that people do. Everything bothers me. I just want to get away from everyone and everything in my life and I know that I cannot. I am trapped in my own life. I desperately want to stop feeling this way. I have prayed about it. Meditated. Talked. Nothing helps. Nothing gets better. I am sliding ever further into the pit of my own despair. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.

November Rain

It's been a long, strange trip this year. First my mom fell and broke her hip, which really just set in motion the series of events that ended with her death in April from C-diff. My husband left me on Valentine's Day and came back three months later shortly after my mom passed away, and then his own mother died in July. Tough year financially, but slowly we are pulling ourselves up out of the debts that were drowning us. We still have a ways to go but it feels good to know we have come as far as we have. Sometimes the cliches are true even when we think that we know better. People don't really change, at least not fundamentally. They show their true colors when you are down and need a helping hand. That's ok. It is who they are and it just lets me know who I can count on. We must learn to cherish the little moments when everything is good. To let go of the moments when we are lost in the dark. I have posted up a positive and encouraging message on my Facebook page every single day this year. It was sort of my New Year's Resolution to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the bad and it has not been easy. In the end I do feel better about life, perhaps more philosophical, maybe even less cynical and more idealistic. I love my family. Life can be hard but it can also be beautiful. I vote for the beautiful. This is what I want my children to know. Sometimes that long, dark tunnel seems as if it will never end, and you will never find the light again...but you will. Keep on living, never never give up, and most of all love the ones around you as best you can. All we need is love.

Changes

Wow so many things have happened this year. First my mama passed away in April. On the eleventh anniversary of my sister's death. To the day. Then my mother-in-law passed away in July. So hard to lose the people you thought would always be there no matter what. I feel like I have no family left except for my children and grandchildren. I've gotten some news recently concerning my own health, and for the very first time I am taking it seriously. I realize that if I don't take care of me, no one else will. First on the list, hypothyroid disease. I have been given a brand new prescription which I will begin taking tomorrow, my birthday. I have also been given new lab tests, which I will do later this week. I have no desire to get stuck on my birthday. Let's be honest. Is this going to cause me to make major changes in my life that will miraculously heal all my ailments. No, don't think so. However, CAN this cause me to think about those little every day decisions and perhaps choose something a bit more healthy? Maybe. There will be more test results to discuss, possibly more medicines to take. I'm not as young as I once was. Those days of boundless energy are long gone. I want to be around to watch my precious babies grow up, all of them. I want to see the important milestones in their lives...and I want to see those little moments that become beautiful memories. This is what I want my children to know...that I love them enough to try to be there, always.

To everything there is a season...

I took off my ring yesterday. I put it on a chain. I put yours on there too. What else is there to do. I can't bear the thought of never wearing it again. I can't believe you left yours here. It meant nothing to you then. How could you leave me this way. Without a word of goodbye. I had so much to say. Most of all just why? What do I do now? I can't begin to say. Go on with life somehow. Just breathe another day. I want you back so bad. I know you won't miss me. I miss the life we had. I miss you loving me.

How do you do homemade when you are not crafty?

Ok this is the honest truth...I am not crafty. At all. I can't sew or knit or crochet or craft anything at all. I want to do homemade gifts for this holiday season. The question is what in the world can I do that is homemade? I am on the hunt for ideas! There has to be something inexpensive that I can do that would make a nice gift. Something that is not too complicated or time consuming.
If you are reading this send me your ideas. Tell me what you do to make homemade gifts for your friends and family. Remember you are dealing with the most non-crafty person in the world and take it easy on me!

Gearing Up for the Holidays

I am counting the days until my husband comes home from working out of town. Thanks to his efforts we have come a long way towards getting our bills caught up. That means that I can focus on something I love...the holidays! We also have a ton of birthdays in November and my adult twin sons in December. I have little things that I like to do even though I am not a "crafty" sort of woman. I bought these cute little stockings to decorate for the three grandchildren I will get to see. I plan to fill them with candy canes and other goodies as a little extra treat from their granny.
I went to a craft show yesterday and I got an idea for something I would like to try if I can find the supplies at a reasonable cost. Paraffin oil candle lamps! You need an empty glass bottle, wick, and a way to anchor the wick in the bottle. I have already viewed a couple of videos and gotten some great ideas on how to do this. I would like to make one for each of my children who has their own home, so that means my two daughters and my son who lives about an hour or so away. I don't know yet if this idea will come to fruition, depending on my ability to find the supplies locally but it sounds fun!
I have already decided to bake a tray full of goodies for everyone. Cookies, fudge, rock candy, brownies, yummy quick breads. I already found little trays at the dollar store that would work really well for this project. Christmas doesn't have to be about the almighty dollar. The last couple of years were bleak for us as a family, but there is hope that this year will be better and I want to put forth a personal effort, not just run to the store and buy something.
I am collecting ideas and recipes for my goody trays from my online friends. Who knows. I may be starting a brand new tradition!